First of all I have no doubts there will be various things to be said. Some good and some bad…at least I got you to talk. Another known fact is that the minute I am in the ground life for many will continue.

Why am I blogging about DEATH? I am glad you asked. One reason was because I had the chance to see 2012. Not only was it a good movie but it really made me think. It made me think of how much we (including myself at times) tend to act as if there is no possibility of the world coming to an end. Now if you talk to a religious person they will whip out the Book of Revelations (Wikipedia) on you. And some of them act like they will get the pass. Now according to various scientist there are supposed to be these events that have been predicted many, many years ago. And these events occur every 1000 or so years.

But if I am to use the mind that I have been given and analyze it all myself I come up with something like this…The earth is like our bodies. After getting a cut, bruise, or cold or bodies has to purge itself to heal (using this as a light metaphor). Purging is a process that is commonly used when getting out old and letting in new…so to speak. The earth has many natural resources that allows us to live. There are oils, metals, sources of energy, and food. But as much as we have used the resources we have not allowed the earth to replenish itself. And after being abused for resources the way it has the earth will no doubt purge itself in order to heal and replenish.

So here we are…temporary inhabitants of earth. On this quest to survive. stepping over each other, lying, stealing, killing, and just abusing each other and the earth without a real disregard and focus on our own personal survival. After having experienced my own personal Tiger Woods saga it has made me really give thought to my life. Not that I hadn’t before but it has enhanced that thought that exist deep within. As I sit here in this room alone I can’t do anything but think. And to be honest it is something that was gonna and supposed to happen.

One of the core pieces of thought within is my death and how life will be for my children. Like anybody else I would love to be able to see my children reach their life goals and see my grandchildren (if that is meant to be) be born. But if you ask me I will tell you I got myself limited to 55 years. I don’t know why but I do. So I try my best to live everyday to the fullest. I do not count on anyone else to do this for me because only I know what living it to the fullest everyday consist of. And me being a Gemini means it changes everyday. But none the less I try to make sure I am satisfied with that day.

Now I have been blessed with 4 healthy happy children and equally blessed to have them birthed by someone I will always care for, always have a deep concern for, and someone I will always love no matter what. And contrary to what everyone else has to say about me (in our personal circles) they have always been first in my best efforts. This is not an excuse but it is a fact…there are times when my worst comes out and as much as I have the choice to do the right thing, sometimes I don’t. When I make the wrong decisions I am more focused on a personal want that in most cases is not really something I should have or be doing. But I am not the only one who goes through that.

I will say one of the things I never really liked was being held to a high standard. I don’t really like people have greater expectations of me that I know nothing about. I mean it is easy to have those for someone but if the only time you let it be known is during a moment when a personal is in the midst of a bad situation how do you expect them to be able to live of to it when the situation is good. As I sit here writing this I can’t help but to keep replaying least weekend in my head. And in light of what is happening right now to brother T-Dub (Tiger Woods) I can’t help but to feel like the same outcome will happen to me and trust me when I say I will lose it all. Especially because I have nothing to begin with. I find it a mind blower at the way the world has turned out. As a child I did not imagine life being this way for me.

I can remember when I was 16 and did try to commit suicide. And it was for LOVE. I had been told it was over by my then girlfriend Myra had started attending Howard University and met another guy. The day she told me it was over it felt like the air had been sucked right out of my body. But the thing that made the hurt of losing LOVE was not that. It was my mother. For many years we had a really bad relationship. After my grandfather passed (which I had never really processed through) she moved in and in my heart I knew things were gonna be bad. But she was not consoling at all when it cam to the break-up and I was tore up. So I took some of her pills (lots of them) hoping life would end. Needless to say I survived but the thought of my death has never left my mind.

I wonder if will be painful or not. I wonder if it will happen at the hands of a stranger, a loved one, or by natural causes. I wonder where I will be when it is my time. I wonder what I will have accomplished or not at that time. Yes America I do wonder. There is a lot of stuff happening that I can’t help but to wonder. None the less let it be known that in this time I have lived I wanted to be the best and do the best that I possibly could. I know I have come up short many times but I only have myself to blame for that. Even though I have been hurt just like I have hurt others I do forgive those people and can only pray I am forgiven by them at some point and time.

They say life is what you make it…so try to make the best out of it. You may not have everything you need or think you should have but appreciate what you got because those small things are your life. To my wife: I have said before that inside I felt like I could never totally give you all that you desire and deserve. But I tried. You have showed me that if you don’t give it to yourself, you can’t give it to someone else. You have showed me how to not raise my bar so high that I can’t reach it. You have showed me happiness starts within. I can only ask you to forgive me for those things that I have done that were wrong.

Well I have wrote enough for now…Tiger keep your head up no matter what! I do understand the pressure and the pain. You got a friend in me.